Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize