he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
