im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
