So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
