you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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