I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
