Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
last night I used snow as a chaser
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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