I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
