So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize