The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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