I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
