They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
