everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize