My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
