I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
