mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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