The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
