True but thats because hes a fetus.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
