We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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