my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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