So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
