So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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