Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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