sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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