My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
