Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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