"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
