you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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