Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Why can't burritos get me drunk
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize