well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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