the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
