i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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