Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
