The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
