but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼‍♀️
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
