I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
you inspire me to be a worse person
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
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