Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
