why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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