Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
May the power of my ass compel you!!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
