Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
