he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
