So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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