Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
