the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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