NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
