Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Randomize
