Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
