i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
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