I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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