can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
