Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
