Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
