i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize