my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize