Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
