you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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