My Higher Power is John Stamos
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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