THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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