Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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