I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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