Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
